Return to Me
by erin519
Summary: Remus feels he is leaving Tonks for her own good, but she knows she'll be happiest when he returns to her.


Disclaimer: I am not Jo, because I'm just not that awesome.

Remus Lupin opened the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place and paused, sniffing the air. With the full moon only a week away, he was more and more sensitive to olfactory stimuli. He smelled dust, moldy books, tea, biscuits, Sirius (his scent remained even though the source didn't) and _her_.

"Nymphadora," he thought, sniffing again. Her scent was fresh; she was here. But, it was so quiet. Mrs. Black appeared to be close to dozing off in her picture; she was almost screaming her magical head off whenever Tonks was in the general vicinity of the house.

"YOU! WEREWOLF! FREAK! FRIEND OF MY TRAITOR…" so much for a sleeping Mrs. Black. Remus sighed and closed the curtains when he heard a muffled squeak and thud coming from the kitchen.

"Nymphadora? It's Remus," he called as he walked towards the kitchen. There he found Tonks attempting to righten the recently overturned kitchen chair. She had been playing Solitaire, it seemed (although Solitaire seemed to be much too quiet a game for the rather rambunctious Auror). "Are you alright?" he asked, as he took her hand and pulled her up.

She smiled, sitting in the chair. "I'm fine, Remus. I was startled when I heard my dear old auntie screaming like a banshee." She snickered. "Right good Auror I am, then."

He noticed she didn't correct him for calling her by her given name.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Remus?" she asked, standing next to him and puckering her lips in a comical fashion.

"We, erm, we need to talk, Dora." He sat down and indicated that she should do the same.

"What's the matter, Remus?" she asked, tilting her head to the side, her dark blue eyes filling with concern. Her card game, he could tell, had been completely forgotten.

Remus picked up one of the cards that had been disturbed when Tonks had fallen. The King of Hearts. Ironic, given what he was about to tell her. "Dumbledore is sending me on a mission," he began. She went to open her mouth, but he held up his hand. "Let me tell you before you ask a million questions." She smiled. He returned it with a ghost of a smile. "He wants me to infiltrate a band of werewolves. Fenrir Greyback's band, to be more precise. He's concerned that they may join forces with Voldemort, as most of them have already turned their backs on the wizarding world. He wants me to either try to convince them to join our cause; that Voldemort will not grant them the full rights they crave so…or…to spy. If they're already part of Voldemort's army, he would need me to gather information and…get it back to the Order. A double agent, I suppose, although I sincerely hope I will only need to do the former." He had been fiddling with the card the entire time and now brought his gaze back up to Tonks. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears, but she smiled weakly.

"Oh, Remus. I thought…"

"I'm not finished, Dora," he interrupted, sighing. "I should have done this from the outset. We…I don't think that we should…continue seeing each other. I'm far too old for you, I'm too poor, and now, more than ever, too dangerous. I wouldn't want you to worry about me while I'm on this mission and, if I die, I wouldn't want you to feel pain."

"Do you honestly think that I wouldn't feel pain or worry about you if we weren't together? I have loved you, on some level, for my entire life. If it were Arthur who was going on this mission, or Kingsley, I'd still worry and feel pain if something happened! Please don't do this to me, Remus. I need you, I need to love you, to believe that this war will end and I'll have SOMEONE for me. Not just someone…I need to know that I'll have you to love and be loved by. Yes, I know that there are more people to worry about, to live for…but I don't love any of them as I love you. Please, Remus, I don't care about any of that! I care about you…only you." As she spoke, several tears tumbled down her pink flushed cheeks, one stopped on her lips but the other three dropped into her lap. She looked at him pleadingly, her eyes already filling up with more tears.

Remus resisted the urge to reach out and wipe away her tears. He wanted so desperately to take back what he said, but he couldn't. He didn't deserve her, no one truly did. "It's not just the mission though, Nymphadora. I'm still a werewolf. I'm still a danger to you if I don't take my potion. I don't want to burden you; you're so young and you shouldn't have to take care of an old man after he transforms. Please, listen to me: find someone else, someone young, someone whole, someone who will pamper you the way you deserve."

Tonks opened and closed her mouth several times, her eyes now flashing in anger, her fingers tapping on the table. "I don't believe you!" She shouted. "Remus Lupin, you're a bloody hypocrite! You say you want equal rights, that the werewolves deserve equal rights, and they DO! But you don't seem to believe that equal rights include loving someone. You would NEVER be a burden to me. I'm in love with you, I love every part of you, and I would love taking care of you, being able to help you. And how dare you? Do I really seem like some materialistic slag who wants diamonds and pearls and young blokes who would whisk me off to Rome on a moments notice or give me a Hungarian Horntail as a pet? Do you even know me? I don't need that! I need a man who will love me. I need a man who will keep me grounded. One who doesn't care if my hair is pink one day or black the next. One who doesn't give a fuck how big my arse is or how clumsy I am. And most of all, a man who respects me. The only man who's been all of those things, Remus, is you. No one's even come close. And no one ever will. Although, I don't feel like you respect me very much if you think I care about you being poor or old or a werewolf. Now I feel like you think I'm some air head tart." She shook her head and got up to leave the table, but was prevented when Remus grabbed her wrist.

"Oh Dora, don't think that I don't respect you. I love you with every fiber of my being. That's why I'm doing this. I need to feel that you're at least safe from the werewolves. I want you to find happiness; you may think that you can have it with me, but you can't. I don't, and will never deserve your love." He looked up at her, trying to commit every freckle, every tiny scar on her heart shaped face to memory.

"When do you leave?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Tomorrow morning," he replied, standing up. He made to drop her hand, but she prevented him by placing her free hand on top of his.

"Stay with me?" She asked, her eyes reflecting the last strain of hope she carried within her. "Please?" She nearly whispered.

How could he leave her? Remus looked down at Tonks, at her curly red hair, her navy blue eyes, her pink Weird Sisters tshirt, her ripped jeans, her bare feet. How would he ever live without her? How could he live without this colour and light?

"Do you think that would make any of this easier?" He asked, his hazel eyes locking with hers. She responded by standing on tip toes and covering his lips with hers.

"No," she whispered against his lips. "Nothing would make this easier. But I want…I need one last memory of you." She wrapped her now free arms around his neck as they deepened the kiss. Her legs wrapped around his waist, his hands settled on her hips…

As they made love, as the seconds went by, Remus felt as though he was dying inside. With each thrust, he felt a little piece of himself get chipped away. With each of her desperate kisses, he felt his heart break into a million pieces. With each orgasm, his or hers, he felt his world end.

They lay together, quiet, but not sleeping. Savoring the precious time they had left, but not talking. Remus had his arm wrapped around Tonks's waist and his chin resting on top of her head. He dropped a kiss in her now messy red curls, and sighed.

"I wish things could be different, Dora, you know that, don't you?" He whispered. She turned to him.

"Yes, Remus, I know. I do, too. But I still…" she stopped. "I love you, Remus."

"I love you too, Dora," he replied, as he began once again covering her body with feverish kisses.

And they both began the descent to emotional death for the third time that night.

Remus woke just as the sun was climbing over the horizon and the first lights of dawn were streaming into Tonks's room. His body hurt, his head hurt, but his heart was completely broken. Trying not to disturb a sleeping Tonks, he dressed quickly and silently. When he had pulled his shoes on, he looked over at her and felt whatever part of his heart was intact shatter into a million pieces.

"You're better off without me, Dora," he whispered as he left the room.

And he never heard her answering reply, "I'll be better off when you return to me, Remus."


End file.
